Saturday, November 15, 2008

Oh For The Love Of God

Ok, I have had this headache now for 2 days. The thing just won't go away. On top of that my fingers do not work so well again today from the damned arthritis, so if I am typing too slowly please accept my sincere apologies, but I am a hunt and pecker as it is, now add in

Arthritis (from Greek arthro-, joint + -itis, inflammation; plural: arthritides)

and well, things move kinda slow. I just had to throw in the Greek breakdown of the word. Seriously, it is one of my 10 favorite things about my best friend and brother "Pete the Greek". He loves to break down words by their Greek lineage from which everyone can learn, or to show how freaking smart he is, which he is. I promise I will write more about "Pete the Greek" at a later date.

Today I have a more pressing matter to rant about. In the past week I have had the ever so uplifting and somewhat soul cleansing experience of being yanked from family activities and work to answer the door and be greeted by a pair of very over zealous doctrine peddlers. Yes, Tuesday it was the Jehovah's Witnesses. Wow, what an odd mind bender that was. 11 am on a Tuesday? Don't you people have a job to go to? I mean really. I figured it was the UPS guy bringing me work items. But no, I am not that lucky today. I get the 12 minute plunger in the eye socket treatment behind door number 1.

" Hey is there any remote chance I can exchange that for a colonoscopy with a side of root canal, extra Novacaine please? Excuse me, if I may, can I change that to extra Versed?"

But thanks for reading the ever so present "NO SOLICITATION" sign glaring at you as you walk up to the front door. I guess that must have been interpreted as no solicitation except for you today, because what, was it freaking solicitation Tuesday? Did you think there was a one hour window in which soliciting was ok? Whatever, thanks for the pamphlet and burning 12 minutes of my day. Note to self: That's 12 minutes I will never get back.

Then last night at exactly 7:04pm the door bell rings. Now mind you, the lights are off out front, we are having a somewhat late family meal so it is also quiet as everyone is either telling the tales of their day or masticating furiously the grub we threw together and called it Friday night dinner.

I creep to the door amongst the shhh, shh, who is it, who is its? I open the door and low and behold there are two Mormon missionaries. Oy Vey. You know, I AM really a nice guy, seriously, but we all have our breaking points.

" Mr. Elggren?"

"Yes, what can I do for you tonight? "

" Well Sir, we wanted to check on you and your family and see what we could do for you."

"Well, the leaves need raking, the garage is in disarray and I could use a couple extra hundy for the wife and kids, whataya say?"

I get the deer in the headlights dumbfounded look from both of these well meaning lads.
So then I go into my usual kind Tony mode.

" Hey gents, I know you mean well and I admire what you have chosen to do. Is there anything I can do for you?"

" No Sir, we are doing well."

"Ok, well with that said I would kind of like to go back to my family dinner."

"Thanks for your time - good night and good luck."
( short for - "don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.")

So to be absolutely crystal clear, my point here is I DO NOT LIKE OR APPRECIATE SOLICITATION IN ANY FORM. In this instance, if I were seeking out a new religion or belief I do believe I could research that desire on my own; seek out the counsel of trusted friends and family. But you see, I have not euthanized my mind to that need at this point. ( for those who are keeping track, Euthanasia literally means "good death" in Greek.)
I do not need folks interrupting what short precious time I have on this here third planet from the sun to try to sell me a bottle of snake oil or try to convince me that their beliefs are the ones I should adopt. I would not do that to you. My beliefs are just fine, I think? I believe I need to drop a few pounds, I am a Christian, I love God, I love my family, I treat people how I want to be treated ( most of the time ). Yes I like beer, Ron "Tater Salad" White's humor, college football, the island of St. John USVI, buffalo wings, and Grumpy's burgers. In no particular order mind you. But I can think, choose and believe for myself.

Oh for the love of God, Good Night & Good Luck.


Jay @halftime lessons said...

The missionaries have me on their regular route too...we had mormon neighbors a while back, I think they got us put on some list...

I think you are much kinder to interrupters than I am...I have started really letting them have it...someone's gonna get pissed.

Deb said...

" Well Sir, we wanted to check on you and your family and see what we could do for you."

"Well, the leaves need raking, the garage is in disarray and I could use a couple extra hundy for the wife and kids, whataya say?"

this is priceless.

Mama Kat said...

Ugh! I hate solicitors!!

Eudae-Mamia said...

LOVE the name of the post!

We don't seem to get these - only desperate school-aged kids trying to sell wrapping paper or candy bars.

I'd honestly rather have the religious guys. MUCH easier to say "good day" to! I'm pretty sure they won't the air out of my tires.

BTW: I worship Ron White

Maybe I should be getting some calls? ;-)